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By Connor Thomas

 

We thought we had seen it all with the Ben Simmons drama this offseason, and then Tuesday happened. In an incident that got national attention, Simmons got himself kicked out of practice and suspended from the team for 1 game by refusing to participate in a defensive drill. The Sixers aren’t scheduled to practice today following their road win in New Orleans, so unfortunately for Ben, it seems like he won’t be able to get kicked out of any drills in time to get suspended for the home opener against the Brooklyn Nets Friday night. The good news, though, is that I’ve come up with a list of 15 excuses that he could use to avoid facing what will undoubtedly be a hostile crowd at the Wells Fargo Center:

 

  • Gastroenteritis – Hey, I mean it seems like every Sixer has had this issue at some point over the past couple seasons. What the hell are these guys eating?
  • The game time conflicts with one of his Call of Duty matches. Listen, gaming is life, and you know you can’t pause online games.
  • Wimbledon presale tickets go online at 8pm and if he isn’t on the website right at that moment they might sell out.
  • He’s jealous of Furkan Korkmaz’s offseason workout videos and doesn’t want to be in the same room as him.
  • He tried to make it, but the traffic on 76 was too bad.
  • He tried to make it, but the traffic on the Vine Street Expressway was too bad.
  • He tried to make it, but the traffic on 95 was too bad.
  • He hit a pothole.
  • He was on the phone with his realtor trying to sell his houses and forgot about the game.
  • There’s a one night only sale at Babies-R-Us and he couldn’t pass it up.
  • He’s busy filming his next feature documentary: “Ben Simmons – Nothing I Do Is Ever Wrong”.
  • All 17 of his cars are out of gas and no one could give him a ride.
  • He got caught up watching Matisse Thybulle’s vlogs about the Australian National Team that he refused to play on
  • The only place he can stay is California since he sold all of his houses around Philly and the commute was just too long
  • He said he was in contact with a team masseuse who had an inconclusive Covid test and can’t play in a big game because of contact tracing even though his teammates doubted that he actually was in contact with the masseuse… nah, that’s too unrealistic.